- (When speaking of his fantasy baseball draft) "We're flying like monkeys!"
- "It's like a pirate that eats sunshine, it don't make no sense!"
- "People can't be namin their kids crazy names like Air Filter Jenkins."
- "I gotta get this booger off my finger, hang on. Man this thing is big. It won't even shake off my finger."
- "I'll punch him in the mouth with an autographed picture of Mohammad Ali"
- "I got two frying pans and a lunch box, but it don't make no difference. "
- A caller named LiJay was causing an echo on Ed's radio program so Ed said, "He done swallowed some kind of transitor system or something."
- Ed has an idea for a great product. "Diet Soap, wash away the pounds!”
- "Hold on, I'm about to choke on a nacho chip."
- "I don't know if you're knowledgeable, but you know a lot of stuff."
- "You got two sticks and a gun, You cant make biscuits"
- "Some kids drove by in a car and threw tacos at me"
- "I'd be down there on 3rd base line just get ready and Pow, gone like a lightning slash. I was so fast sometimes they'd give me two runs for stealing home."
- "You want a poke in the eye with a stick?"
- "For Breakfast I have... 2 eggs... 2 pieces bacon... 2 cookies and a coke"
- "Whoever's doing good at the baseball game sucks at the homerun derby and whoever's doing good at the homerun derby sucks at the baseball game, It's kind of a weird trynamic."
- "That guy is shadier than Pimento Loaf."
- "Anybody calls in and gives me an update I'm gonna mash em in the mouth with like a stop sign or something."
- "Just a bunch of nonsense trash in a basket."
- "My heart's racing like a turnpike in a buttlenut."
- "Patrick Roy was a better goalie than Martin Landau."
- "Can you believe it? That's all just stuck in my head like a monkey's nuts."
- Singing his own version of Steve Miller Band – “I want to fly like an eagle, wearing jeans.”
- "That dog is a big ole monkey dog, man. It's HUGE!"
- Dick Banks, a musician who helped record and produce many of Ed’s songs. "He has a piano on a stick."
- "Dave owes me a six pack of barbeque lotion."
- "If I see you, I'm just gonna tackle you, man."
- "You can't get superstars of the millennium at just the break of a dime." (Referring to getting Texas Tech coach Pat Knight for Dave Dameshek's show)
- "I'm going to annomalate you. You're going to get annomolated, and that's how it's going to be."
- "I got a toothache in my stomach."
- “you have never reely lived until you see a body rikoshay off of you winsheeld...” – Ed posted this on Dameshek.com…it’s probably better if you don’t ask
- "Don't be calling in trying to win prizes cuz I give real prizes on my show and cash and trips for two to Guam and everything!"
- "It's scared me to death, man, like a pickelloaf sandwich on some hot bread, it don't matter."
- "She's hot like some hot chocolate and some pudding wafers, I'm telling ya."
- "You beat lijay, but a monkey and two bricks coulda done that."
- "It ain't good Good Friday, cuz that already passed right before Easter, but it's still an Alright Friday. It's alright Friday, I guess."
- (On Dameshek on Demand)
Skylar The Sass (on Dave Dameshek’s podcast): “Hey, what’s up the Ed?”
Ed: Not too much, man. Just thinking about what I’m doing, you know, cuz sometimes I gotta get it done and you know, I gotta make sure people have it all cuz if they don’t ain’t nobody gonna have nothin.
- (On The Ed Show)
Ed: We drivin in a construction zone right now.
Mike Dell: Well, be careful, the Ed
Ed: There’s flashing lights and people jumpin around… This guy got a hammer and a butcher knife.
Mike Dell: Now why does he have a butcher knife, the Ed?
Ed: I don’t know, he’s a construction worker.
Mike Dell: Oh, well then that makes sense.
- (On the Spanky Brown show)
Ed was asked: "What do you use for bait?" He said, "I put Cheese Whiz on some worms."
- "I'll dance and sing and stuff envelopes, it don't matter!"
- "As long as I know what I’m sayin’, It don’t matter what I’m talkin’ about."
- "The Colts gonna win it all, man. Listen. It’s a forgiven conclusion." "The Colts defense is a lot better now that we got rid of that god dang devil, Tony Dungy, trying to run it."
- "You gotta feel sad for the Colts cause for some unknown reason these people still think that Tom Brady is better than the Peyton Manning. And we all know that's a fabrication of elushinations."
- Craig Dodge: "How much longer is Peyton Manning going to play?"
Ed: "He'll play 'til he's 57, probably."
- "The destiny is that Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all time, and people, he got to get at least two to verify it. Three will superfy it. And the fourth one he gets will triple dipple try it. And that’s all I’m sayin’."
- "First of all, you’re a Veginarian, you don’t even eat no food! You’re always sick, you always got problems, you always busy. I’ve never seen somebody who don’t eat meat who’s busy and always sick. That’s three unbelievable combinations, that’s like a combination platter at Taco Bell, it don’t even make sense."
- "This guy makes rhymes that don't even rhyme. I've never seen a poem kid who don't even know how to make nothing rhyme. "
- "He had no competition, every entry form we sent back had his name on it. It was a unonimous selection."
- "It take me 9 hours a day to update this stuff (FYI, "this stuff" is a wide array of games which Ed runs for the kids on Dameshek.com), and then don’t no one even care about it. They just sign up like God dang munchkins, man."
- "You’re like a god dang Canadian Football field. Too many yards, man."
- "You cry all the time, man. You’re like 2nd down and 36."
- "Him and his Dad went to a Father-Son picnic, and his Dad took a stuffed animal."
- "The (message) board is chalk full of haters, all these kids from Haiti."
- "Look, this kid knows what he's talking about, Face Ventura. (Ed says as he reads a message from a message boarder with the screen name Face Ventura congratulating Ed for the Colts winning) "Congrats Ed." Now see, that kid knows what he's talkin about, that kid is always on time for school. He'll make sure people got lunches, he'll make sure that people got their clothes ironed and pressed. Every. Single. Time. He don't fool around."
- "He afraid to call in, cause he don't even know how to dial a phone, he's so scared. "
- "These guys always got, like a, conspiracy theory, Like Number 1-9, when he lose his shoelaces in the mall. He think the guy who's the security guard took em, and I'm like, 'No, he didn't do nothing.' "
- "Man, this kid, The Whale (A message boarder with a screen name of The Whale, not an actual whale.), he does a lot of things for that kinda species, you know. He goes out and feeds fishes, and he goes out and buys fish tanks for other cities that don't got em."
- "Why do you like hockey so much, what, you got a winter coat of somethin’?" (Ed doesn't understand the appeal of hockey as a sport.)
- As much fun as it is to hear Ed talk about other people, some of his best lines come when he's talking about himself:
- "This guy has a vendella against me, He’s got to, there’s no other choice about it. I don’t know if it’s somebody that’s jealous of me and my good looks or me and things that happen in America that go down when people got on sweaters."
- "I just found a nickel right here on the ground! Ah, I found two of em. Heh, A quarter, A quarter and a nickel. That’s 44 cents!"
- "It was a long Stupedulous altitude of different arrays of things for me to do."
- "I don’t wanna hear no gripin, no cryin, no airplane flyin."
- "The people talk all kinds of stuff about me and say, “Aw, man, you got pillows on both sides of your bed.” And all this stuff like that."
- "Santa Claus got Rudolph and Donner and Blitzen and Mary Jo, all the reindeer. I don’t got those."
- "They afraid to say it to my face, that’s why they don’t call in. They probably think they’ll catch a cold when they talk to me, cuz I’m sick, but I’m not gonna contagious em."
- "These guys always get mad when I'm right, and they know that I'm always right. I'm usually right over 100% of the time."
- Ed: "I’m super deluxe mad at this point."
Mike Dell: "Why are you so mad, though, The Ed? It’s just competition, you know, what’s wrong?"
Ed: "No No No No, there’s no competition when I’m the champ. Listen, They already know that I’ve set, I’ve set the pattern for this whole rotation of the earth and then they go around and act like that they run a Taco Bell or some stuff like that, you know? They act like light sockets don’t even got switches on em, you know? That’s how they act, sometimes."
- "You don't know what the heck go on in the Philippines, I don't, You don't, People who run airlines, and people who make stop signs don't."
- "No one knows what can happen, you know, it's like going down a one-way street three different directions. It's uncharted territory."
- "System needs Defragipitation. That’s what it say on my computer."
- "Sometimes if you get a black pen and you try to write in blue ink, it don’t always work."
- "It's all in the scheme of things, man, in America. When you look in the sky and you turn it to the degrees of the what you want it to be, that's what happens."